The woman in the mirror

Wednesday, 30 May 2018

I started this blog earlier this year in an effort to put more focus into my acting career.  I did great until I was stopped in my tracks by a quote from someone whose work I admire very much.  “Go in treating yourself with the respect you will eventually earn”.  Without understanding where I am coming from, you wouldn’t know how nearly impossible it is to be able to respect yourself after you’ve let the ultimate disrespect happen to you… but I digress.

It took me a long time to digest what this lady said.  Once you feel you’ve fucked up the start… how do you go about fixing it?  If I’m already painted out like a piece of trash… how do I go about showing that I’m capable of shining otherwise?  Is it possible to recover ones reputation after one has done deeds deemed unforgivable?

I love being an actress, yes, and no.  I love being an actress because the process itself is transformative, and I find every time I delve into a role I learn something new about myself.  I was recently cast in a PSA to raise awareness around violence against women, and the scary statistic that once every 6 days in Canada, a woman dies at the hands of her domestic partner.

As an actress, I wanted to do justice to this anonymous woman who I would be playing who represents the faces of those in whose honor we do the piece.  I am very method, and of course, do all I can to enter the world and mind frame of the characters who choose me… without crossing over.

I am very grateful for any opportunity to practice my craft, and more so when I am supported by a team who endeavor to help me reach the limits of my performance ability… without crossing over.  I find the piece very difficult to watch, that is not me… but in many ways… it is.

While I am alive, and well, I am still no stranger to domestic violence.  Though I have never sported bruises like my character does in the piece, I carry bruises in my heart deeper than I care to envision… and that is the place I went to in the piece.  I am not imagining how my face got so disfigured as much as I am contemplating how my psyche has been so distorted.  You can’t see it on my face, but those bruises are there, and they make me feel dead inside…. when I let them.

I let them in those frames, which makes the effort a productive and positive one, and allows me to appreciate my bruises and scars and all my pain for what it truly is:  Life experience.  I am grateful to have my life, and the experiences in it…

But I no longer want violence.  I abhor it with a passion that brings out a violent persona in me, a woman, a mom.  I know that without acknowledging that I am capable of violence, I will never be free from it.  While the piece does not show the pretty and happy and smiling Tamara everyone who loves me has come to know, it does reflect what I am capable of…

Channeling my emotions into a powerful screen performance.

P.S.  This was my first time playing a corpse.

WATCH: EVERY 6 DAYS (Trigger Warning)

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