It is a far far better thing that I do…

Sunday, 18 November 2018


than I have ever done before.

Of all the roles I have played, my first one is still my favorite.

Contrary to current lore, I did not make my debut in Firecrackers.  I gave myself my own debut when I took control of my life (to quote Joey Shithead) and tried to make some kind of positive, effective change in this world, and turned the camera on myself… and my subjects, and created a body of work called Anterockstar.

Sounds rather regal, and maybe I am a bit of a queen.  I was served up a dose of my own medicine yesterday when Youtube suggested I watch a moment I filmed 10 and a half years ago.


The Robots.

I watched it again as if it were the first time yesterday, and I was so very moved…. in so many ways.  I realized that of all the scenes in Anterockstar, my favorite ones aren’t the ones I’m in, but the ones I shot.  Anterockstar was never about my dream to become a rockstar, that’s just a role I played to get me into the places I needed to get in order to document the REAL story…. the folks you see in my moments.

The Robots are a three piece surf rock band I was completely obsessed with documenting.  You can see why from the footage.  They are the real deal.  Tight.  Eloquent.  Talented.

I fell in love with them all over again while watching, and wondered where they are now…. the Robots aren’t around anymore, but her players are still out there somewhere.  One of them is on my Facebook, and has moved onto a grander adventure than rockstardom, being a husband and a dad.

My own dad was in a band back in the day, instrumental rock… maybe that’s part of why I loved the Robots so much, they remind me of  him.  I hope one day that little Robot daughter out there comes across this footage.  I hope she sees her dad (and her grandpa!) and revels in how immense and wonderful their talent is… and how much fun they are.

Cause one day, everyone will be gone, and all we will have left are those moments we committed to media.

I’m grateful I was there for those moments and their magic. 



Jackson gave me a white rose once.  I was so touched at the time.  He was the only one of the “rockstars” I ever met who made such a gesture.  He came to my house for dinner once.  I had and still have a huge crush on him… I mean christ, have you seen him play a kit?

I don’t know where he is anymore.  I became pariah no. 1 in the community, for reasons that still escape me, though I have a thorough inventory of my own contributions to that reputation.  I did and do it all, whatever it is, to get the job done, and though I often don’t come up to snuff, I do keep trying and trying, and that pissed alot of people off.

I also refuse to lie, and that pisses alot of people off too.

No, I didn’t just become an actress yesterday, I have been playing one on reality TV since 2006.

I intend to return to my calling because the weight of the truth is too much to bear alone, and the truth needs to be told.  While we may have shown everything and anything on the series, there are still currents underlying that haven’t been explored.

Like the ending.

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